A survey for people who have experienced a break-up

[Tarzan]

If you ever experienced a failed relationship, I would like you to take this really quick survey and post your results here. I have a theory, and I'd like to see if there is any validity to it.
Click here to go to the survey

My personal criteria are: support, loyalty, and respect.
My ex used to respect me, but for some reason she lost that respect. Then it seemed like the loyalty diminished along with the respect. She continued to support me by doing all the duties of a wife, but her moral support for my interest in computers was definitely not there. In fact she complained of becoming a computer widow! That lack of support put the brakes on all my Internet projects (but now that she's gone I have resumed my hobby).

In my case, I only got half of one of my requirements, so it is obvious why my relationship failed, and it does not validate my theory. Then again, it may have been the domino effect from that initial missing element that caused the rest of the problems. My reaction to the missing respect was negative, which caused her to become less loyal, which caused me to take her for granted, which caused her to stop supporting me! Hmmm... I think I need some more time to think about all that and get it sorted out in my own mind.

I need many more responses in order to see if my theory pans out or not, so please do participate.

[sueuk]

I do understand what your wife said about being a computer widow. My ex used to spend hours and hours at his----ignoring my needs and that of the kids.
As my dad once said--------------everything in moderation and spending time with the Mrs is far more important.
I have a PC myself now----------but theres no way that it replaces being with ones family.---------------a PC is not warm to the touch. Isn't soft. Won't talk to you------------etc.
Yep i do understand what she meant about being a PC widow.
I'm loyal,supportive and respectful----------faithful to.
My reaction to my ex being at his PC 24/7 is not repeatable here BUT i was not happy and neither where the kids.
Hobbies are great but also make time for others.
sueuk

P.S. what is your theory?

[sueuk]

Support, loyalty and repsect are part of a relation ship and are needed. But in reality its about a balancing act----------------getting the balance right. Now as we all know people change ---------so one has to adjust to those changes and keep the balance going. Sometimes things go really off balance and things can't be put right.
The key to keeping things in balance is communication and sometimes couples dont communicate while they think that they are.
Me i'm loyal faithful,trustworthy,loyal,honest and will certainly stick by a person.
sueuk

[Barbara]

hm, pc widow?  I can also understand how she felt.  But you probably had your reasons,  it takes two for a relationship to fail.  The more my ex ignored me, the busier I became with my work, hobbies, whatever.  It was survival, he didn't want anything to do with my projects, etc.  So I guess it works both ways.
It is all about communication.  We just stopped talking.  Sad really.  

ok, I like your Love Triangle theory.  Support could also be Understanding
Repect is really important to me.  Loyalty... to what, who??  The relationship, the family???  Loyalty  ..  Truth, never lie.  The Love Triangle will work, if you (each person out there) can respect her (him) self, be loyal to your own ideas (morales, whatever) and give yourself unconditional support,  (understanding)   Really, how many times do we lie to ourselves??  Be authentic.


The balancing act to so true, hard to do, takes work, but worth it.

 :wink: Barbara

[Tarzan]

hm, pc widow?  I can also understand how she felt.  But you probably had your reasons,  it takes two for a relationship to fail.  The more my ex ignored me, the busier I became with my work, hobbies, whatever.  It was survival, he didn't want anything to do with my projects, etc.  So I guess it works both ways.
It is all about communication.  We just stopped talking.  Sad really.  

The balancing act to so true, hard to do, takes work, but worth it.

 :wink: Barbara

We actually had good communication... we could (and did) talk about anything and everything. What I believe happened with us is that there was an underlying dissatisfaction that was hidden and not fully understood, just felt. She was never a thinker, so the discovery of what was bothering her had never surfaced. It was like an itch that could not be explained, so you just scratch at it and hope that it goes away. That scratching caused me discomfort, and I reacted to it in my own way, not fully understanding why I'm being clawed at. Subtle changes in a realtionship are not always as obvious as a red flag waved in your face, so they are often just ignored by the conscious mind, but the sub-conscious takes note, and sometimes makes adjustments to compensate. Those adjustments are then sub-consciously reacted to by the other person, and further changes thus follow. The spiral gradually closes, while nobody notices until it becomes too late. :cry:

[sueuk]

I think about things----------a great deal and i do analyse things but having said that people can over analyse things. Many things can be solved by common sense.
I frequently talk to a friend whos a councilor about things. A professional. They say the human mind is a complex thing. Indeed i like getting their help and feedback.
Yes----relationships are quite something------but a good one can be unbelievable.
sueuk

[Mayflower]

Firstly, I want to thank you for this survey. The Love Triangle is a great tool to examine a failed relationship and possibly sort out what went wrong. I think that anyone contemplating a new relationship should keep this survey at the back of their mind throughout the courtship. It could prevent a disaster later on.

I used the survey and asked myself what I believe the 3 most important character traits would have been for my husband. I think he would have said: good looking, subservient, and loyal. (And oddly enough, a radio station announced that the number 1 trait for men is that they want their spouses to be good looking.) Anyway, I was all those things until he began abusing me, then I stopped being subservient. Things went downhill from there.

For me; I require: Loyalty, respect, and stability. He was stable, and (I suspect) loyal at first, but he never respected me. He treated me like a trophy. I was something he owned and could show off. "look how great I am because I have this beautiful wife!" He made all the family decisions, and I was just a woman, so I was not to be consulted or involved. That lack of respect distanced me from him, and I'm sure he felt it. I began living my own life, and we even slept in seperate beds. I'm sure this made him angry, and eventually he started looking at other women. From there it got worse and worse. As posted earlier... the spiral closed in!

In conclusion, I would say that, yes... it took just one missing element to set things off (or extinguish the flame).

[Tarzan]

There is a SPAM-bot putting porn on bulletin boards that are open to guests and it is hitting hundreds of sites from all over the world right now, so I've had to restrict this topic along with all others to registered guests only being able to make posts.  Sorry, I wanted to leave this one open to the public so they need not register, but that would leave this web site vulnerable to attack from this virus.